Over the weekend, Lindsay Lohan, in her inspiring eternal quest to get a table closer to a club DJ, threw her drink in a model's face, (apparently falsely) claimed to have once dated a New York Ranger, and then tried to start a scrap with a couple of hockey players. (They didn't take the bait, but, ooh, if they had ...)
At this point, the person who's to blame isn't Lindsay herself ... the notorious onetime celebrity jailbird has long since passed from human being to boozy force of nature, and may even be the current incarnation of Kali, the Hindu goddess of death and destruction. No, the fault lies with whoever the numbskull was who thought giving Lindsay Lohan alcohol in a weapon-ready glass container was a good idea. It's like giving the car keys to a falling-down-drunk alcoholic, or a loaded gun to a certified lunatic. Or, y'know, either of those things to Lindsay Lohan.
So let's get a law passed across our great nation. Let's go for an all-Nerf Lindsay Lohan. For our children's sakes.
(For more candidates for the Nerf-only law, take a look-see at LIFE's gallery of stars with anger issues.)